Monday
May182009
all-too-perfect sunset - by Scott Douglas
May 18, 2009 at 9:58AM when it's over,
don't grovel, don't ask for
half the silverware or your share
of the bath towels.
leave the photos of Cuba
with the outlandish trunks
and the all-too-perfect sunsets.
when it's over,
don't remain friends,
the best man at her wedding
or beside uncles on a Christmas list.
don't trade memories for anger,
or her smile for tears.
when it's over
take your jean jacket,
the tools in storage,
all the secrets you can find,
put Stevie Ray on the stereo,
and
drive.
tagged edselection, thrucrit
edselection, thrucrit
Reader Comments (25)
Hey Scott.
Reading the first 2 stanzas, I thought the speaker was addressing a lover/former lover and so got a bump when I hit "her" in S3 L3 and had to go back and start again.
Other thoughts:
why the line break on "for", L2?
maybe nix S4?
ending is a bit obvious.
The reference to Cuba reminds me of a poem by Carol Ann Duffy that I can't find right now.
Glad you are on board.
B.
i assume this is a memo to self, but bad advice, of course, not intended to be followed.... or is this macho thing still popular? does not the pair of lines "don´t trade...." work AGAINST the general tone? not quite clear that i understand this.
I don't think the last stanza helps you out, I'm with the narrator up to that point, something about a mixture of jean jacket and power tools that turns it sour.
it's apparent that the last stanza has to go, albeit
there will be little left, so i think i shall
cut my losses, admit defeat and prepare
for the next battle.
thanks all
Hi, Scott. Thanks for posting your work at After Literature. I do hope you'll open a Portfolio here with us.
I'm not at all convinced that the last S has to go. I think you have something here. If it were my poem, I would attempt a more implicit approach to the final advice of "just drive", by simply placing your addressee in his car. I really like the line about secrets, and the contrast between it and the macho jean jacket and power tools. Tracy Chapman’s song, Fast Car
came to mind. I like the alternating between the do-s and the don’t-s
Here's my edit, done firstly for my own enjoyment, so please toss or take anything from it.
when it's over,
don't grovel.
don't ask
for half the silverware,
or your share
of the bath towels.
leave the photos of Cuba
outlandish trunks
all-too-perfect sunsets.
when it's over,
don't remain friends,
best man at her wedding,
or beside uncles
on a Christmas list.
take your jean jacket
power tools
all the secrets you can find
put Stevie Ray on the car stereo,
when it's over.
hi Shari-Lyn
thanks for spending time with the poem.
the problem for me is that "drive" and "find" psydo-rhyme so well
which is a problem because all this attention is landing on the finale word
which, unfortunately, is a cliche .
i will think about what you have suggested.
also i will see what this Portfolio thing is about.
thanks
What about something like
and put on Stevie Ray
for the drive
i like your idea about scaling back on the "out of storage" bit.
too contrived but i still like ",and drive".
BTW
i think it is interesting that people
find it macho to suggest you should not lose your identity in marriage.
sign of the times, i suppose.
is it possible to edit the poem?
i don't see an edit tab.
I think the way to do it is click on the post follow up, but you have to rewrite the poem in the spot. I don't think it was 'macho' or whatever, I was just brought up in the 90's and jean jackets and power tools leave me remembering bad bad things ;) (ie. beverly hills 90210, etc.) So I guess its purely a readers opinion then, yes? Which you can't control and I wouldn't give up on this yet, that's too easy. I liked Shari's edits, what if you said:
take your jean jacket,
the tools in storage,
all the secrets you can,
put Stevie Ray on the stereo,
and
drive.
I think you loose your identity in marriage, and find it when you leave. At least that's they way it was for me.
oh, it's just "modify"
i like this better
thanks
you really wanna cut sumthin up you should plug Rotting Christ or Impaled Nazarene or Gorgoroth or Satyricon on and even poesy it now that's some real music
Rotting Christ is a refrigeration resumé challenge.
they're greek. obviously.
Three days. Undergound. It had to be Winter. It's all thrown into a quandary.
i think macho resides in jean-jacket, powertools and unforgiveness, also stevie-ray vaughan, perhaps..... but then i am english, and therefore culturally challenged. why not ray charles, for example?
...because urban blues is predominantly man's music.
i don't see unforgivness in this poem, i see accepting things as they are,
recognising mistakes and moving on without bitterness. my guess is
the man came of age in this relationship and the woman wanted
the puppy dog she married.
by the way
is there a way to make the font larger where I am typing right now?
i guess my eyes aren't what they used to be.
I hate this grey font. Grey is bullshit.
i don't mind the colour.
the size of text is hard on my eyes,
maybe i'll play with the global computer settings.
it could be that but it is not a problem on other websites.
no big deal, just be expecting alot of spelling mistakes.
:)
Satyricon is one of the greatest movies ever.
(I wish I could quote Matt to anchor this comment. . . .)
You still tinkering with this one Skaadee or wudja like me to deposit it in your portfolio?
B.
~
Hi Brian
I am an insufferable tinkerer, but place her where she belongs, haha. Actually, I'm not sure of the difference between portfolio and critique boards, etc.
Did something change?
I really like this now, and I'm moving it and picking it.
thanks for the continued interest Erika
:)
dear Skaa Deee
what is so lovely about my having missed this poem until now
is that i feel good about all the driving i have done and will do into the future.
An excellent choice to be showcased !!!!
Hope your Canadian landscape is not yet powdered
though i am sure the imagery of all the tire marks
will be more interesting than a spring world of crop circles.
autumn smiles
silent lotus
Hi Silent Lotus.
As usual, your comments
are a poem unto themselves.
Thanks for stopping by.
SkaaDee