As it is by Kevin Jackson
Kevin Jackson February 16, 2010 at 4:57AM
A boy leapt for a ball. He
read its satisfactions, the cheers
cupped, back slaps coalesce
to some kind of truth.
He stiffens them to a board,
a place to pin his butterfly schemes.
Girls tried and fell apart, work
tried, like the smell
of city streets, his aunt
feera’s pine cones, fugitives
of another summer. No
hesitation, he reached the ball,
curved a bomb. Lifted the sea
clean from the land
to cloud in eyes spilling another funeral.
kj15feb10
Revision -
A boy leapt for a ball. He
read its satisfactions, the cheers
cupped, back slaps coalesce
to some kind of truth.
He stiffens them to a board,
a place to pin his butterfly schemes.
Girls, work, city, a fretwork of
distances. No
hesitation, he reached the ball,
curved a bomb. Lifted the sea
clean from the land
to cloud in eyes spilling another funeral.
Brian Edwards
A boy leapt for a ball. He
read its satisfactions, the cheers
cupped, back slaps coalesce
to some kind of truth.
He stiffens them to a board,
a place to pin his butterfly schemes.
Girls, work, city, a fretwork of
distances. No
hesitation, he reached the ball,
curved a bomb. Lifted the sea
clean from the land
to cloud in eyes spilling another funeral.
Reader Comments (9)
not sure i get this, kevin, do we have a sport/war interface here? there is some beautiful writing, especially
Lifted the sea
clean from the land
to cloud in eyes spilling another funeral.
thanks pete, it's not so much a sport/war interface as a boy-seeking- purpose/dead soldier (or terrorist, i left that bit vague) interface...
i did wonder if i should give a bigger clue in the title but you know my hang-ups with titles...
value any guidance,
k
hmmm... don't know, it's quite lovely as it is.
Have to agree with Pete again here. Lovely indeed and those end lines are quite marvellous.
I do think the middle sags somewhat, probably room for tightening there. I get the sense that the impact of the end could be greater if the poem were shorter?
B.
Thanks B, appreciate your compliments and focus on the middle. Still musing on this... Have posted a revision, which to my eyes/ears, the poem now feels breathless, headlong.
Note to self: master that elusive single-line spacing :)
k
Kevin, I've taken the liberty of re-posting your revision using the follow-up function. This allows all updates be tracked, keeping previous versions in tact for comparison.
I've also altered the spacing --- does it now look how you'd like it to?
I know it's a pain, but all you need to do is hold down shift when entering a return.
I'll be back later to comment on the revision.
B.
dear Kevin
this did not attract my year on a first read
yet coming back it grows and grows
and does not leave
very nice indeed
silent lotus
Any way to reduce the sibilance in S2 Kevin?
I don't get "headlong" but there is a certain urgency in the shorter version.
B, thanks for re-posting this for me...and I much prefer the new spacing. Fascinating how much difference spacing makes...
Musing on S2, it's certainly heavy on the sibilance as written!
Thanks again, k