Drawn out, drawn back by kevin jackson

Ice that books say shouldn’t be
    in the fridge at all
curiously takes to itself properties
    of food around about.

I’d swear the last piece I fished out
was a sliver of salmon
    glamorous, sparkling
in its last moments
till it returned to the water
    that flourished it.

Is that how it was for you
    in those final moments;
Breath, or something shaped
    like breath,
drawn out, drawn back
    to Aonach Mor?

kj26sept10

Comments

[Rosemary Badcoe]

Very nicely done. I'd perhaps lose the curiously.

Ros

[JR Pearson]

KJ, excellent poem. Makes the point with some nice images. Only nit is last S is almost killed by too much easy language: "in those final moments" could slice out 'in those' and break it a little. Reads more like notes but could contain more emotion that way. Just a thought. Nothing else hit me. Great read brother. Thanks.

[Brian Edwards]

This has a wonderful sonnet feel to me. Nice work.

B.

[larry jordan]

A poem that goes on long after the read, excellent. Notes to consider:

L3; replace (to itself) with (on)
L9; replace (water) with (splash)
L12; replace (?) with (;)

Sharp and ringing.

larry

[David Alcock]

Yes. Like:

"Breath, or something shaped
like breath,
drawn out, drawn back"

lots. Atb D

[Catherine Edmunds]

Fabulous. No nitpicks from me.

[Kevin Jackson]

Rosemary, JR, B, Larry, David, Catherine: Great to hear how well this has connected for you. Big thanks for the reads and generous responses. Apologies for the late pick-up.

JR: I hear what you say about the simplicity of the last S - I went for that to balance the content, it feels right that the N wants to look death in the face. More elaborate, symbolic language feels like avoidance....

Larry: great suggestions. I love both but they feel out with the voice. I have pounced on your semi-colon.

David: those are my favourite lines too, and they so nearly didn't make it in!

Thanks again my friends, k