City composition by kevin jackson
Kevin Jackson October 14, 2010 at 4:39AM
1
She wants a bay’bee
He wasn’t much more
Tomato face
still squidgy
in places
If I dared touch
She says I gotta get her
a ticket
2
A woman with supersize
buggy
Two hoodies
slouch towards
One eyes its weight
the two kids
leg-locked
Feels where a scout badge was
Wants to help
Doesn’t know how to
And his mate
is already up
spitting grins
3
Barely sat
and shes troffing
through
a bag layered
with books and cakes
A monster bakewell tart
meets its mincer
I wonder if the books
go the same way
Were train tables
see through
her legs would be
whorled round each other
her left
foot flopped on her
half-off shoe
4
Then she looks up
Looks direct at
my hungry pen
Part-mended sadness
reproach maybe
girdles a loose face
Hair that hasn’t felt
fingers open its
lustre in a long while
5
All eyes are a species
of interference
Bear down
Bear down, bear down
Breathe
Like those on these two planes
death dealers
once
Here
laid in rooms
loftier than houses
Bounded by
eyes
Craving darkness?
Bear down
Bear down, bear down
Bear down
Breathe
6
I quietly pull
the thorn out
again
The lion
pads away
kj13oct10
Kevin Jackson
Revision
1
She wants a bay’bee
He wasn’t much more
Tomato face
still squidgy
in places
If I dared touch
She says I gotta get her
a ticket
2
A woman with supersize
buggy
Two hoodies
slouch towards
One eyes its weight
the two kids
leg-locked
Feels where a scout badge was
Wants to help
Doesn’t know how to
And his mate
is already up
spitting grins
3
Barely sat
and shes troffing
through
a bag layered
with books and cakes
A monster bakewell tart
meets its mincer
I wonder if the books
go the same way
Were train tables
see through
her legs would be
whorled round each other
her left foot
cosy on
its shoe
4
Then she looks up
Looks direct at
my hungry pen
Part-mended sadness
reproach maybe
girdles a loose face
5
All eyes are a species
of interference
Bear down
Bear down, bear down
Breathe
Like those two planes
death dealers
once
they’ve laid here
in halls
loftier than houses
Stuffed with
eyes
Craving darkness?
Bear down
Bear down, bear down
Bear down
Breathe
This time it’s a
struggle to pull
the thorn out
The lion
pads away
Reader Comments (7)
Still trying to get a handle on this one, Kevin.
Kevin, the freeze-frame composition places the N on a bench and it works, though I at first didn't think so. What corrals me in is the language's skip, almost attention deficited. Couple of things: S4, Part-mended sadness, etc. places the N into other's heads and not sure that the poem wants to do that, as it observes carefully while trying to 'Bear down.'
'A monster bakewell tart
meets its mincer.'
Oh, excellent. Love those lines. Still trying to get my head round much of the rest, but I'm happy to be confused for the time being.
Section three is my current favourite, but the rest is growing on me. Five is probably the weakest.
I agree that 5 is the weakest, and yet I can't help feel it's the most important . . . Some splendid riffs, but I am a sucker for observation poems. The problem I'm mainly having is with the weight of the N's intrusions. Part 3 is a case in point:
girdles a loose face
is astonishing, but then
hasn’t felt
fingers open its
lustre in a long while
leaves me thinking Huh?
I think part of me wants the N to get some come uppance . . . but maybe the poem is his come uppance? Maybe I'm medieval.
Nevertheless, interesting and engaging, as always.
B.
Big thanks Shari, Larry, Catherine, Brian
Wonderful that this one's connected, you know my anxieties over longer poems. Hugely value your insights. I needed distance to see where to take it. Hoping the revision works. In particular I've strengthened the observational stance (although judgement, emotion, supposition still intrudes)..... and tried to clarify the transition to part 5, which wasn't working.
You're spot on B, the essence of this (to me!) is in part 5. And thanks for planting the seed that there ought to be some consequence for the N.... Yes!
k
just on a quick glance, I really enjoyed this, love it whenever someone uses 'hoodie'
hey erika, thanks for that, me too.... fusion's my mantra :)
k