Wednesday
Sep092009
Silly boys by Mike Barrett
Mike Barrett September 9, 2009 at 11:02AM
The image in
my head
was of a boy
falling
toward his
instinct
against his
better
judgement.
Not that his
infidelity
is a laughing
matter
but the image
of him
giving in
made me
giggle
out loud
in my bed.
We passed
each other
in the
morning
like two
silly boys:
chocolate
round
his mouth
his belly sore
a hand
pressed tight
to my face
like a small
dam.
Reader Comments (15)
What a super write Mike! Really fine.
One tiny nit: consider nixing the 3rd "his"?
Not that
infidelity
is a laughing matter
I know that changes the meaning slightly, makes the poem broader, less intimate and that's probably not a good thing, but there does seem to be quite a lot of pronouns in this short poem and those 3 are particularly close together. Maybe you could add "per se"? I think it evens the pacing:
Not that
infidelity
is a laughing matter
per se
Really love these lines:
a hand
pressed tight
to my face
like a small
dam.
The ambiguity of whose hand is quite dazzling.
I see you don't have a Portfolio yet Mike. You can request one here
B.
~
Hi
My immediate thought was wonder at the state of mind of the characters.
That wonder makes the poem for me.
I would be inclinded to remove "in my head"
from the first stanza, it becomes clear.
You use the word "image" again in stanza 7.
It seemed conspicous.
thanks, brian, i shall mull over your suggestion: a very valid one indeed. i once had 'inherently' in there, but felt it too clunky.
(oh, and i must have submitted my portfolio request as you typed the message!)
Enjoyable in the extreme. Certainly.
Incites me to, "more spare, more spare, more spare".
Upon initial read, I see Brian's point about nixing the third "his", but upon subsequent reads, I fink, 'twere it mine, I would be inclined instead to nix the first and second "his"-es, which, with or without, can be read as degrees-in-redux of implicit, and keep the third, for continued particularity.
(I suspect that communicates what I mean better in my head than it does on screen.)
falling
toward
instinct
against
better
judgement.
Not that his
infidelity
is a laughing
matter
hi scott, glad you found some wonder in here.
will also think on your suggestion, thank you.
I like "in my head" for the rhyme and in particular the contrast with "in my bed".
I like the repetition of "image", but will think on some more.
Reading Shari's suggestion, I think nixing the second "his" works but the first scans awkwardly, for me.
I like the repetition of image too.
I'm with Brian's initial suggestion of cutting the 'his' before infidelity; other than that, c'est magnifique.
james
Just wanted to chime in and say this is a wonderfully self-censored poem. The way it skirts uncomfortably around the centre of the event is brilliant - the hand at the end demonstrating that rather neatly.
As for crits, wot Brian & James sed.
I'd really like to see it stay as "his fidelity", no matter if all the his-es stay or go.
One's own infidelity and that of any other(s) are really such very very different matters. I quite like how that possessive makes it (infidelity) so particular, paradoxically (mebbe not paradoxically in such a character piece) it brings me more meaning by being so particular.
(edited in order to type the word "particular" just one more time)
don´t like the idea of ´per se´, it´s too formal. the poem as it stands is very fine, i think.... some fucking about with the number of "his"´s might help....
Just read this again and the his'es bothered me less.
Please remember to re-post this to your portfolio, when you are satisfied, if you would like it to be considered for showcasing on our home-page and in our future print publications.
Blah.
B.
~
It really does shine, and not in that surface sort of shiny&new way. It shines with the polish achieved through being handled.
What about even more "his"es?
but the image
of his
giving in
Hell, why not more is'es, too?
The image in
my head
is of a boy