that would make sense- well spotted (although, just studying a couple of packets here, they do actually include the 'and'). but yes, i'll see to it when i can face the editing process once again!
forest gig! that makes it sound more romantic than it probably will be, but yes, it's coming together nicely! (although i still need to find a tent...)
Would you consider changing this to first person? It reads better I think, without the 3rd person verb conjugations.
Regardless, great idea, well delivered. And fantastic to read something of yours again, really glad you have signed up.
Please remember to re-post this to your portfolio, when you are satisfied, if you would like it to be considered for showcasing on our home-page and in our future print publications.
"To avoid damage to furniture, do not place opened foil packet or used condom on any surface" --'Warnings', 'Directions for Condom Use', 'Trojan-Enz Brand Latex Condoms' ®
any reason why the first he is in bold and the second isn't?
I have read this several times and just discovered something new with the line
stirs before serving
It just occurred to me that he could be serving someone else, despite me initially reading this otherwise and enjoying The Loneliness of the Microwave User. Intended or not, gave me goose bumps realising there may be another in the room. Very cool.
Mike Barrett
Reader Comments (11)
!!! I was going to suggest removing all the the-s save the last the, and but they're gone!
would you consider replacing the "and" with a comma?
that would make sense- well spotted (although, just studying a couple of packets here, they do actually include the 'and'). but yes, i'll see to it when i can face the editing process once again!
thanks.
All ready for your upcoming forest gig?
I also think somethink about the near repetition of "Every Saturday" , without the "..."
Not sure. I think I might excise the "..." and make the rep closer. Dunno.
I like it. It has innuendo.
forest gig! that makes it sound more romantic than it probably will be, but yes, it's coming together nicely! (although i still need to find a tent...)
that might work too. i'll sleep on it!
thanks.
Mike,
Would you consider changing this to first person? It reads better I think, without the 3rd person verb conjugations.
Regardless, great idea, well delivered. And fantastic to read something of yours again, really glad you have signed up.
Please remember to re-post this to your portfolio, when you are satisfied, if you would like it to be considered for showcasing on our home-page and in our future print publications.
B.
~
"To avoid damage to furniture, do not place opened foil packet or used condom on any surface" --'Warnings', 'Directions for Condom Use', 'Trojan-Enz Brand Latex Condoms' ®
got round to trying out some small changes here and there.
thanks, brian. i did consider carefully your suggestion and am now adamant it's to stay in 3rd person.
any reason why the first he is in bold and the second isn't?
I have read this several times and just discovered something new with the line
stirs before serving
It just occurred to me that he could be serving someone else, despite me initially reading this otherwise and enjoying The Loneliness of the Microwave User. Intended or not, gave me goose bumps realising there may be another in the room. Very cool.
This has been posted to Portfolio