Beyond Tipping Point by Brian Edwards
Brian Edwards August 22, 2009 at 12:26PM Beyond Tipping Point
I don't remember the point of impact.
A school and jewels in a window, but
all my memories are second hand.
End of summer, my fourteenth year,
a school and jewels in a window, but
no sounds to match the images.
End of summer, my fourteenth year,
my brother opened the driver's door.
No sounds to match the images:
jack-knifed lorry, tipping in slow motion.
My brother opened the driver's door,
didn't see it coming, didn't hear a sound.
Jack knifed lorry. Tipping. Slow motion.
Two brothers, squinting at the sun,
didn't see it coming, didn't hear a sound,
a scream, didn't smell burning rubber, oil.
Two brothers squinting at the sun.
A worm hole. A black hole. A blank page.
A scream. Didn't smell burning rubber, oil,
didn't check the time or make a note.
A worm hole. A black hole. A blank page.
All my memories are second hand.
Didn't check the time or make a note.
I don't remember the point of impact.
~
Brian Edwards
Beyond Tipping Point
I don't remember the point of impact.
A school and jewels in a window, but
all my memories are second hand.
End of summer, my fourteenth year,
a school and jewels in a window, but
no sounds to match the images.
End of summer, my fourteenth year,
my brother opened the driver's door.
No sounds to match the images:
jack-knifed lorry, tipping in slow motion.
My brother opened the driver's door,
didn't see it coming, didn't hear a sound.
Jack knifed lorry. Tipping. Slow motion.
Two brothers, squinting at the sun,
didn't see it coming, didn't hear a sound,
a scream, didn't smell burning rubber, oil.
Two brothers squinting at the sun.
A two-inch scar. A fear of grinding teeth.
A scream. Didn't smell burning rubber, oil,
didn't check the time or make a note.
A two-inch scar. A fear of grinding teeth.
All my memories are second hand.
Didn't check the time or make a note.
I don't remember the point of impact.
~
Reader Comments (23)
I really want to like this B, so what's the deal...does it feel like something is missing to you as well? Sry, I know that was pitiful and little to no help.
dear Brian
stark imagery
and an important story
not to be lost
and the impact weaves in and out
like the unexpected circumstances
yet i agree with Erika that there is something
that is missing .....something that does not tell enough
of the 'impact' on so many dimensions
feels like you are almost there
looking forward to see
your talents of fine tuning
a warm smile
silent lotus
B, I too (sorry) am puzzled by this. One reason is the uniform 4 line stanzas, so tight, frozen almost, feel like they're substituting for what should be chaos, horror, panic, terror... and any number of other emotions that aren't here. And because the emotions aren't here (for me) the story feels dead, inert, yes, especially inert, intensified by the curious shifts in phrase length, which (sorry again) feel almost an academic exercise.
I wonder how it would hit me if I didn't know how it looks on the page?
k
I love the form of this Brian, how it fits the subject, the repetition of each second and fourth stanza line progresses the poem, giving the slow motion feel of the accident in progress.
Out loud it gives a trapped in the loop feel, too.
~This line...End of summer, my fourteenth year, could you try it the other way round
my fourteenth year, end of summer
didn't see it coming, didn't hear a sound,
a scream, didn't smell burning rubber, oil...
I think the didn'ts in this couplet work well to portray the denial of the accident.
didn't check the time or make a note...this is the line I think isn't quite pulling its weight yet...don't have any useful suggestions...but reporting my impressions nontheless.
this line...A worm hole. A black hole. A blank page. I think the blank page is too hopeful, the worm hole too cosmic.
I'd like something more immediate...broken glass? a lost baseball cap?
Well worth working on.
again so interesting to see how differently different readers react. sue's comments are well-thought (nice to see her here again!), but i agree that there is something missing in the poem as a whole, somehow it lacks the impact it alludes to. if it is a poem of denial as sue suggests then i suppose that fits but it is somehow unsatisfying none the less. the line she points up in the first verse (end of summer...) i don't like 'my fourteenth year', which seems strangely formal. i was fourteen (or possibly thirteen, come to think of it) is more direct, more true.....
I remember this poem, Brian.
I really liked it then, and nothing has changed. Its stuttering quality is what makes it for me.
Thanks for all the look-sees.
Interesting that many of you note that "something's missing" as that was kind of what I was working with --- trying to record that which cannot be remembered. I thought the Pantoum form worked well because of the build up of images, the repetition creating (hopefully) that slo-mo effect Sue mentioned and also that feeling of trying to grasp a memory that won't come into focus.
The lack of panic, terror, emotion etc that Kevin mentions is absolutely necessary to this poem: reporting the "horror" of an accident that cannot be clearly remembered (and thus felt) would be completely fake in this instance. I've tried to write this several ways, and truthfully, this feels the most honest, the most accurate.
Having said that, I appreciate all the notes and agree that there are a few areas that could be looked at. The worm hole line is standing out to me as weak right now. When I wrote it, it felt right but now it reads like lazy writing to me.
Follow up to come, no doubt.
Cheers.
B.
~
"I don't remember the point of impact"
'don't remember point of impact'
{Pt. impact: memory-null}
Is that a suggestion Matt?
more like a showcase, to see if you likey, or if you dis-likey. something to consider. a trash-masher for diction.
i think you should compress some of your fully-loaded idiomatic usages. don't write a speach-- it could be a little more streamey.
because as is i think it's staid.
You may have a point. Thanks. Thinking on edits . . .
not edits yet, try just elisions first-- then edit
"Two brothers squinting at the sun."
'sun squinting twins side by side (going blind)'
it was eating at me that this piece reminded me of something i had heard a long time ago. i finally found it.
"All around the country and coast
People always say what do you like most
I don't wanna brag, I don't wanna boast
I always tell 'em I like toast
YEAH TOAST!!!!!
YEAH TOAST!!!!!
I get up in the mornin' 'bout six AM
Have a little jelly have a little jam
Take a piece of bread, put it in the slot
Push down the lever and the wires gets hot
I get toast
YEAH TOAST!!!!!
YEAH TOAST!!!!!
Now there's no secret to toasting perfection
There's a dial on the side and you make your selection
Push to the dark or the light and then
If it pops too soon, press down again
Make toast
YEAH TOAST!!!!!
UHH TOAST!!!!!
When the first caveman drove in from the drags
Didn't know what would go with the bacon and the eggs
Must have been a genius, got it in his head
Plug the toaster in the wall, buy a bag of bread
Make toast
YEAH TOAST!!!!!
UHH TOAST!!!!!
Oui monsieur bonjour coquette
Uh huh croissante vous a ver
Maurice chevalier effeil tower
Oh oui maria bagette bon soir
FRENCH TOAST!!!!!
FRENCH TOAST!!!!!
In Chicago or on the Bob and Tom Show
YEAH TOAST!!!!!
Yeahuau, toast."
Who mentioned twins?
And thanks for the elision/edit advice. Semantics has surprising uses.
yes, i think i've read this before somewhere. i think the form is the absolute perfect friend of the content. it's like reading a printout from a brain.
Brian, please, what's the name of that form? I know I know it, or rather I know I knew it, but I cannot access the brain cell(s).
It's a pantoum Shari.
Hey Mike, thanks for the kudos. Great to find you here.
Pantoum
Thanks. I concur with Mike, the form form-fits the content.
I personally find this terrifying. atb D