Doorway by Brian Edwards
Brian Edwards July 15, 2009 at 8:20PM Doorway
He came here to die an angry death.
Saliva full of violence
and come-uppance,
bubble drenched in accusation.
He clatters hinge-jawed and broken,
hallucinating chorus lines
of penny-stuffed cups,
cocktail visions of high kicks and curses.
He was a dream once dreamed in starched sheets,
a cradle carpentered by hand,
a carousel gouged
and wind chimes whittled.
Two scores too scant to fall such fathoms
but normal circumstance succumbed
to the fate of cripples,
crumbled quicker than a weevil eaten joist.
A century of misery condensed, but
of course all's speculation
in the baking of an anecdote;
everything's suspicious in the making of a man.
~
Brian Edwards
Doorway
He came here to die an angry death,
salivating mayhem
and come-uppance.
He clatters hinge-jawed and broken,
hallucinating chorus lines
of penny-stuffed cups,
cocktail visions of high kicks and curses.
He was a dream once dreamed in starched sheets
and a cradle carpentered by hand,
but normal circumstance succumbed
to the fate of cripples.
A century of misery condensed, but
of course all's speculation
in the baking of an anecdote;
everything's suspicious in the making of a man.
~
Reader Comments (6)
good strong narrative, packed with vivid images. a small point: "weevil". (and anyway, i don't like that line much.... is it quite appropriate as an image? could be.....)
Good catch Pete. Could be right on that line too. It's sound mainly.
Cheers.
Ambitious and for me some of it comes off brilliantly, some of it sags-mainly due to overwriting and overelaboration.
of course all's speculation
in the baking of an anecdote;
everything's suspicious in the making of a man.
is perfect ;a real ring to it.
First stanza for me suffers with repetition of saliva and bubble; violence seems to be too pat after anger. Here is some radical surgery-
He came here to die an angry death.
Salivating come-uppance
Similarly-
a cradle carpentered by hand,
a carousel gouged
and wind chimes whittled.
is too much of a list; the first line, which is excellent, catches the pathos preicsely- the following two are just labouring the point.
Stanza 3 for me is weak-overly literal and the "weavil-eaten joist" jars.
But great stuff for a first draft. And good to see you rearmed with nib.
Not bad at all, Brian. The sound volume needs to be turned down a notch, I think. 2nd stanza and final stanza are very, very fine. Line 1 of penultimate stanza doesn't sit well with me.
James
Thanks for the input fellas. Insightful and helpful, as ever.
This was primarily an exercise in sound and narrative, so probably very guilty of self-indulgence.
Follow-up posted.
B.
~
Oh, tis a true treat to read an original offering, then the original comments offered on same, and then the iteration!
I'll fink on it further.