Dosimetry - by Shari-Lyn McArthur

Dosimetry

You take my measure
record and then
recalibrate me
in the game Titration
the poison is the same
as the remedy.

Comments

[pete pick]

i'm glad you've posted something at last, shari. this is good.... spare and insightful.

[A.E. Plastic]

I like the mood and thrust, but this seems to me to cry out for even more compression: "measure" followed by"record" is too predictable and erodes the impact; "is the same as" is a lot of words when the use of "is" loses nothing in meaning and the metaphor (?) is to my ear sharper than the simile.
A touchstone re-work:

You size
recalibrate me
in the game Titration
the poison is
the remedy.

[Kevin Jackson]

shari, this grabs me, i like the simplicity of language, for me that releases the imagery

and of course i love john's edit

such richness

k

[pete pick]

personally i prefer the original.... i do not detect redundancy, rather a series or process.

[Brian Edwards]

What's interesting about this is how the unfamiliar vocabulary add to the poem rather than hold it up. I confess I had to google a couple of times (once for pronunciation) and although the precise meanings add to the poem, I preferred reading it without that knowledge.

Lovely rhythm too. Great to read your work again.

B.

[Shari-Lyn McArthur]

Thanks, everyone. I am done with this, and have posted it to my portfolio.

Shari