Sorry honey by Brian Edwards
Brian Edwards June 8, 2009 at 1:38PM Sorry honey
Attention: the emergency brakes have been applied and I am staring out the window, thinking, drinking in the early evening, the to and fro of office clones, schoolkids, college kids and traffic drones, taxis and buses switch their lights on, bicycles look uninviting; restaurant doors are open, managers in the doorway hoping tonight's the night, yeah tonight tonight, we'll chase away the wolves whose eyes burn holes in dreams and bank books and overdrawn, underpaid waiters won't wait around forever: never mind the tips, they'll join the crowds below that to and fro across the forecourt of the station where we are all waiting, waiting for a hand on the shoulder, warm breath on the nape or a voice overhead to spread the news that a man like us is lay on the rails with his life poured out and I don't know why I picked up my bag the moment the brakes were applied, perhaps the impact snapped a synapse connecting me to this man whose weakness is making me late for dinner.
~
Brian Edwards
Sorry honey
Attention: the emergency brakes have been applied and I am staring out the window, drinking in the early evening to and fro of office clones and schoolkids. Traffic drones, switches lights on, bicycles look uninviting; restaurant managers stand in vacant doorways, hoping tonight's the night they'll chase away the wolves whose eyes burn holes in dreams and bank books. Overdrawn, underpaid waiters won't wait around forever: never mind the tips, they'll join the crowds below that to and fro across the forecourt of the station where we all wait, wait for a hand on the shoulder or a voice overhead to spread the news that a man like us is down on the rails with his life poured out. And I don't know why I picked up my bag the moment the brakes were applied, perhaps the impact snapped a synapse connecting me to this man who's making me late for dinner.
~
Reader Comments (9)
Brian!
Not bad, not bad. Strong opening. I'm not sure about the colloquial 'yeah's' that creep in toward the middle, and the semi-colon might as well be a comma. There's also a typo on 'lay'; it should be laid, right?
The ending is also very impacting. I wonder if you could rework this into something less prosey, using the same beginning and start. Short, sharp lines, perhaps.
Much enjoyed,
and,
hello,
James
HEY!!! At last! Very good to hear from you young man.
I'll address your comments later, but for now --- Welcome!
B.
I love your train poems, Brian, yes and welcome James.
Title sets it up great...even the echo of "honey I'm home"
Attention: the emergency brakes have been applied bounces straight off the title makes me think N has just finished a row
and I am stare(ing ...Lose this gerund?)out the window, thinking, drinking in the early evening, (the) to and fro of office clones, schoolkids, college kids and traffic drones, taxis and buses switch on their lights (on), bicycles look uninviting (Love this); restaurant (door)s are open, managers in the doorway(s) hope(ing) tonight's the night, yeah tonight tonight, (we'll) chase away the wolves whose eyes burn holes in (dreams and) bank books (and?) overdrawn, underpaid waiters won't wait around forever: never mind the tips, they'll join the crowds below that to and fro across the station_forecourt (of the station) where we (are) all wait(ing), waiting for (a hand on the shoulder, warm breath on the nape...I'd say choose one of these options) or a voice overhead to spread (the) news that a man like us is lay on the rails with his life poured out and (I don't know) why _did I picked up my bag the moment the brakes were applied, perhaps the impact snapped a synapse connecting me to this man whose weakness is making me late for dinner.
some nits there Brian...take or leave as per..
I'd see this as a first draft with huge potential.
"tonight, we'll chase away the wolves whose eyes burn holes in dreams and bank books " scales the heights as is.
'tonight tonight' reminds me of a Smashing Pumpkin's song
It reminded me of West side story, Erika!
Thanks for the input guys. It is indeed a first draft John, written in one sitting and without any trimming yet. I'll get to it soon. Sue has given me lots of good ideas to play around with. Thanks for that Sue.
Anyone else got anything to say about lay/laid? The usual problems there -- seems OK to me as is . . . .
Erika. Yeah.
B.
i would have thought either 'lain' or 'lying' was grammatical in the context.... but i don't like 'lay', definitely, so now there's 4 choices for you!
and 'weakness' is a hard judgement.
Yes it is.
Thanks for the extra choices!
B.