The Man Within by Brian Edwards

The Man Within

Attach a man in grey to white wires,
let his fingers command an army
and his sideburns be too short.
Stand back as raised gavels fall
on his buttoned down collar.

Neckties are not a metaphor for absence
but all is grist to the nib’s mill, so
write him a dead wife and a drawer
full of odd socks, a bottom lip dotted
with crumbs, and an ungrateful cat.

Add a token line on the ubiquity
of cymbals and hand-held heroism
but keep the yapping conscience
on a short, taut leash.
Keep grey man in the Petri dish.

Insinuate the contents of a shoebox.
Show more of self than self desires revealed.

~

Comments

[Scott Douglas]

wow!
I like.
the words line dance.

(the final two lines seemed unnecessary from a flow aspect. maybe they were needed for content.---- don't know)

[Brian Edwards]

I think you're right about the shoe box line, but I would like to incorporate the other, somehow. Though maybe the two are inter-dependent . . .I dunno either. Thanks for the nudge, will think on it some more.

B.

[pete pick]

good throughout, i thought. i like the idea of issuing mock instructions.

[Brian Edwards]

Thanks pete. Made a slight change to next-to-last line.

B.

[pete pick]

the last couplet is great, but would 'show' make better rhythm than 'reveal'?

[Brian Edwards]

Yes Pete. Been thinking on that and reckon you are right. Thanks.

B.

[Erika Hommel]

in the first S, last line, I really want to say buttoned down collared shirt, but that could just be me.

I still don't think you need those last two lines.

[Scott Douglas]

'dog of' seems redundant to me

'the yapping conscience
on a short, taut leash.'

maybe.

[Brian Edwards]

You know Erika, when I first wrote that line, for some reason I wrote "buttoned down top collar". It stayed like that for days and through about a hundred read-throughs, till I realised "what the fuck! that doesn't even make sense!" But maybe my instinct was right about the beat in the line.
And nixing the last two lines? Is that your default comment for all my poems Erika!! (smiley face) Will think on that too. Thanks.

Scott, "yapping conscience" was also something I considered at some point, but it comes across a little too abstract for me. For now, at least. Thanks for coming back.

B.

[Brian Edwards]

Changed my mind. You were right about that dog Scott. Thanks.

B.

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