Discontent by Brian Edwards
Brian Edwards May 31, 2009 at 11:20AM Discontent
Kind of morning you could swim through
but fire still spreads fear
across the dry spots.
Sports grounds appeased
by men in tracksuits throwing rainbows
swallow clouds of orange dust.
Sky dotted with silhouettes
of birds beating silhouettes
of wings against persistent blue.
Eyelids squeezed to the threshold of resist.
And out in the world
dogs bake
in cars and planes
fly too close
to the sun
boats sail
yellow seas
trawlers throw futures
to the fish
Time-lapse photographs of cities reveal
the constant need for a hangover.
Itchy to the brink of delusion
I brace myself
for a three-month bad mood
and always face East
on the way home to see
office towers and apartment blocks
wake up in golden-eyed wonder.
~
Brian Edwards
Discontent
Kind of morning you could swim through
but fire still spreads fear across the dry spots.
Sports grounds appeased
by men throwing rainbows,
swallow clouds of orange dust.
Sky dotted with silhouettes
of birds beating silhouettes
of wings against persistent blue.
Eyelids squeezed to a thin red line.
And out in the world
dogs bake
in cars and planes
fly too close
to the sun
boats sail
yellow seas
trawlers throw futures
to the fish
Time-lapse photographs of cities reveal
the constant need for a hangover.
Itchy to the brink of delusion
I brace myself
for a three-month bad mood
and always face East
going home to watch
office towers and apartment blocks
wake up with eyes of gold.
Reader Comments (7)
I've read this a few times,now.
It seems a chronical of a day
and the narrator must endure
some coming trial but wants to stay in Asia
or at least east.
The first three lines don't seem clear to me.
Is it rain and what are the dry spots?
This line is intriguing and quite cool:
Time-lapse photographs of cities reveal
the constant need for a hangover.
I get those lines, the pitch being watered?
Thoughts...
Love the colour throughout, I didn't care what the men watering the pitch were wearing...could the tracksuits come out (or off!)
Liked the repeat of silouhettes
not sure about lst line in s2 I understand it but it could be put more elygant.
Storming on then to the end..."going" instead of "on the way"?
Not sure about the last line. that abstract noun to finish? like to be left with the colour...
I'll be back. Sue
i like it very much, but i'm a fan of description. i love 'dogs bake' and its implied pun. not so sure about 'the threshold of resist'... it's probably personal.
Thanks for all the input guys. As you wish Sue, I shall strip those hard-working men of their tracksuits. Also considering ending on golden-eyes and losing the abstract. But maybe a bit too 007?
Shall ponder for another day or two. Cheers.
B.
I have posted up a revision, taking on board many of your comments.
I am having a bit of trouble with the formatting. In fact, I am not entirely happy with the current tools we have for posting and revising work. Anyone else experiencing difficulties or any strange behaviour, please report. Thanks.
And thanks again for all the input on the poem.
B.
~
i really like it. it's got a lot better, i think, under this cruel hammering.
Much appreciated Pete. cruel hammering? Not at all -- it's why we are here!
Anyone know why I can't insert indents in the follow-up post?