Bloom - by Brian Edwards

Bloom

Wind rolls down watchful hills and bounds 

across urban allotments like a farmer 

with a cheating wife— ransacks frosted sorrel 

and spinach, throttles plum trees, rattles 

open-mouthed dustbins and idle dogs.

Ballooned head scarves and school skirts

expose a gamut of human flesh to nature's 

bite— gnashed and chewed old ladies 

whoop and blush back the years to days 

when the dead farmed these fields.

Roadside flowers trumpet Spring 

but they can't out-sing tarpaulin tents 

in the park, or the glass-eyed black vines

that twist up the same grey wall of sky

that tulips crack their skulls against.

Update on July 23, 2009 at 4:53PM by Brian Edwards

Bloom

Wind bounds across urban allotments
like a farmer with a cheating wife—
ransacks frosted sorrel and spinach
and rattles the open mouths
of dustbins and idle dogs.

With scarves and skirts balooned,
flesh exposed to nature's bite,
gnashed old ladies whoop and blush
back the years, to when the dead
farmed these fields.

Roadside flowers trumpet Spring
but they can't out-sing tarpaulin tents
in the park, or the glass-eyed black vines
that climb the same grey wall of sky
that tulips crack their skulls against.

~

Comments

[Erika Hommel]

I think you can do better, the language feels stale, like I've seen it before, I love the title however, it has promise, but needs revision. I'll come back to it to see what I would think could stand changing, but think about it....Nice to see your writing though :)

[Brian Edwards]

Thanks Erika. Good to get anything out of this head right now . . . .

I expect you BACK!

;)

[Sue Lozynskyj]

Like this Brian, good title. Stanza one full of energy. stanza two, maybe lose school from the first line, stay with the whooping old ladies, the school girls get no further mention in the poem so their skirts are a bit distracting...well of course! Stanza three is a bit calmer slower pace, especially first two lines. Great last three lines. Like the regular form.

[Brian Edwards]

Thanks Sue. Glad you picked up on the form, as it's a little different for me.

I agree the pace is off in parts. Think it needs some oomph, freshening up a bit (as Erika pointed out). I've got a couple of ideas I'm pulling around and shall revise in due course

Cheers.

B.

[pete pick]

not fond of "gamut", but otherwise i don´t find the language a problem, the images seem quite fresh. i like the old ladies, but i´m not sure about how the wind might "throttle" (which is after all the deprivation of breath). interesting how we all have different views..... but not unexpected!