The Vices of Fidelity - by Shari-Lyn McArthur
Shari-Lyn McArthur November 29, 2009 at 8:38AM
The Vices of Fidelity
I inhale you filterless
each toxic drag
a candy kiss
swig
the dregs
of your juniper wit
tongue the gutter for every leak and drip
my mouth
burlesques
a taiko drum
through the gorge down to the last molten crumb
see me wager on you past sanity
borrow from myself
sans recourse
to make the ante
your darkest matter
the lure
of my enlightened fears
our felix culpa
the bond
of your earthy gravisphere
Shari-Lyn McArthur
The Vices of Fidelity
I inhale you filterless
miasmal sigh
and horehound kiss
swig
the dregs
of your juniper wit
tongue the gutter for each and every drip
my mouth
burlesques
a taiko drum
through the gorge down to the last molten crumb
see me wager on you past sanity
borrow from myself
sans recourse
to make the ante
your darkest matter
the lure
of my enlightened fears
our felix culpa
the bond
of your earthy gravisphere
Reader Comments (10)
Oh that was worth the wait and more. Just gorgeous to read aloud.
If fidelity always tasted this good, the world would be far less interesting, I fear.
my mouth
burlesques
a taiko drum
Gotta love that.
toxic drag/candy kiss less fresh than the rest, yes? Huh?
I await the accompanying video clip . . .
B.
~
Thanks for the feedback, Brian. Muchos appreciated.
As to le vidstim, I've decided to try going å la modeless, or at least to try mixing up my modus operandi. I shall wait to do the a/v component until the piece on the page has been subjected to Critique. Over the past couple of years, I have started to wonder if the upfront inclusion of the audio-visual component might discourage folks from offering critique on the written portion. Or, if it might also serve to sort of dissuade me from incorporating feedback, because at that point in production, it's a lot more work to re-work.
I agree, Shari, on both points you make about posting a recording too quickly. It's lovely to see your work again.
This is Superb. So base and sensuous.
Some thoughts...
I inhale you filterless....Mmmm
each toxic drag mmmm
a candy kiss Something more Bitter than candy, but not alcoholic, maybe a bitter candy name...
swig Mmmm
the dregs mmmm
of your juniper wit mmmm
tongue the gutter for every leak and drip Mmmm...very depraved...I love it
my mouth All this stanza Fab...like Brian says
burlesques
a taiko drum
Why stanza break here?
through the gorge down to the last molten crumb Maybe a line break after down?
see me wager on you past sanity This is an odd line to grasp...syntax strange...I'd nix it.
borrow from myself And I'd nix this stanza
sans recourse
to make the ante
your darkest matter This stanza is back to the previous level
the lure
of my enlightened fears
our felix culpa MMMM after I googled felix culpa...seems exactly right for this poem
the bond
of your earthy gravisphere Consider an instead of your?
That's my tuppence worth...I loved it!
Yeah, makes sense I s'pose regards the vid.
Hey Sue. So you like the toxic drag huh? I think it might work with something other than candy . . . something more surprising, though maybe not bitter, maybe eye-wateringly sweet . . . Shall fink some more.
B.
Crikey, this is rather (enjoyably) lurid, and exceptionally musical.
With brian on the drag/candy bit. 'Inhale you filterless' is magic though.
tongue the gutter for every leak and drip - this is something incredibly minor, but I'm still questioning the rhythm of this line. I like how it rolls into a nice iambic pattern at 'for', but, I don't know, the 'every leak and drip' just reads ever so rough, mechanical. Impressionistic nonsense, I'm sure you'll agree, but I had to think of something to say...
my mouth
burlesques
a taiko drum
through the gorge down to the last molten crumb
see me wager on you past sanity - is superb.
And the title. Would 'Fidelity' be as fitting? I mean, the poem makes it quite clear it can be a vice, too.
Dave
dear Shari-Lyn
indeed a pleasure to see so much without
even having a video
dear lass a very nice canvas !
and i vote for keeping Vices in the title.
silent lotus
dear Shari
after more reads i would like to add
'see me wager on you past sanity'
is a very very strong and beautiful line.
silent lotus
Yes, earthy! So many images that bring about a physical reaction in the reader (gutter, gorge, molten, lure, drip). I read this as being about attraction more exquisite because there's push as well as pull. The narrator is almost horrified she's so hopelessly and blissfully hooked (the lure of my enlightened fears; past sanity). The short lines are like she's poking away what she's locked to. The single long lines are like a different voice, an overview of what's driving her. I tend not to like obscure wording such as sans recourse, ante; felix culpa triggers in me dirty graffitti in Pompeii and oppressive Xavarian Brothers, out of kilter, for me, with the flow of the poem. I read Scientific American every month and find astronomy erotic because sexual love is cosmic, so my imagination lit up when you referred to darkest matter.
John de (John de Prey, brightasafig)
So much useful and stimulating feedback I've been mulling on. Thank you! I made a few tweaks.
I think that I am finally done with this pome, and am ready to move it into my portfolio, unless anyone has any more feedback on the update?