The Inevitable Consequence of a Glass House by Brian Edwards
Brian Edwards November 19, 2009 at 8:20PM The Inevitable Consequence of a Glass House
Downwind of the gossip's where
she drops her anchor. Not enough
to know the weight of stones in metric
when what's at stake
is brunch, and tea
is served by a wrinkled sceptic.
Curtains either close too much
or never meet, and daylight stabs
a pinky finger in every pie
she bakes. When the RSVPs came late
summer was a one-woman
washout. Unstuck
by a rueful combination
of broken watch and too-high heel,
she blustered and bounced her big fat tongue
from snide side-swipe to full blown faux pas
with no regard
for testaments and wills.
If only she'd remembered the names
of every girl
he'd brought to dinner
there'd be no boxes in the hall,
no dust on all the silverware.
No fraudulent insurance claims.
~
Brian Edwards
The Inevitable Consequence of a Glass House
Downwind of the gossip's where
she drops her anchor. Not enough
to know the weight of gold in metric
when what's at stake
is brunch, and tea
is served with pearls and twin-set.
Curtains either close too tight
or never meet, and daylight stabs
a pinky finger in every pie
she bakes. When the RSVPs came late
summer was a one-woman
washout. Unstuck
by a rueful combination
of broken watch and too-high heel,
she bounced her big fat tongue
from snide side-swipe to full blown gaffe
with no regard
for testaments and wills.
If only she had cocked an ear
and caught the candy-coloured names
of all those one time only
dinner guests— there'd be cars out in
the drive, and shoes
cluttering up the hallway.
~
Reader Comments (16)
I don't think you need that last line-
Oh I disagree.
and why is that?
Actually, I think you should qualify your opinion.
I suppose so, well, ho-hum, well when I first read it, it felt as if that line wasn't the end.
Read a few other times, I see what you're saying, but I still feel like it leaves me wanting more, something more worse for this slub.
Ahh, so when you say I don't need the last line you mean I need a different last line? Perhaps.
I actually had some trouble ending this, but thought the current last line cracked it, both in terms of sound and sense. Probably not. Ho-hum indeed.
Thanks for forcing me to think through my thoughts, errrr.
B.
i don't get it, brian. whatever it is is not clear enough, and i have the feeling not important enough either. not that all poems have to be important, but if this is just a put-down (as it seems) then why should we care? we do not know the woman, and clearly do not want to. if there is more then we should be given some reason to care about her, perhaps even some sympathetic insight.
It is not meant to be a put-down. Not at all. I'll give it some distance then take another listen. Honesty always welcome Pete, thanks.
I forgot to say I love this line:
Downwind of the gossip's where
she drops her anchor.
ok brian, then i do not understand it at all..... surely i should understand it a bit? and i am not frightened of being honest with you brian, and this is undoubtedly a good thing, or else how are we to get anywhere?
Brian, I've mulled around this one for a while and find a waft of sense, but for me it's lonliness. I stumble at the idea that if she remembered the names of those who came to dinner there would be no boxes, no dust on the silverware? How do their names keep the hall full of boxes, the silverware free of dust?
I think when sense is subordinate to language, then sound needs be louder. Or the images so electric as to excite the reading if not inform it?. I don't know. Regardless, the first line of this is stunning.
larry
Of course Pete, why would anyone be frightened? Without honesty the whole thing is pointless.
Larry, thanks. When it comes down to questions of sound and sense, I often opt for the former, but I don't think that would be appropriate here. I'm going to let the dust settle and see what time throws up. I'd like to flesh this character out more, maybe evoke a bit more empathy, but I'm all out of ideas right now.
Erika, thanks for popping back in.
B.
I found lots of excellent , arresting turns of thought and phrase in this. I really feel that the last line doesn't work- it just comes from absolutely nowhere and sounds flat in itself. Other reservations:
"Not enough
to know the weight of stones in metric"
seemed a fairly juvenile joke for the sake of it?
The much in "Curtains either close too much" struck me as clumsy -maybe "tight" or something better.
Thought this was a bit top-heavy and could have be pruned-
"she blustered and bounced her big fat tongue
from snide side-swipe to full blown faux pas"
mebbe something like-
she bounced her big fat tongue
from snide aside to full blown gaffe
mebbe not
Apart from the "much", the second verse is a knockout.
Thanks John, that is exactly what I needed on this. I accept the last line isn't working and I am perhaps forcing the poem into a direction it doesn't want to go. I'll post a revision soon.
B.
B, maybe my imagination's wired differently but i have no problems getting a fix on this character, there's plenty of depth, though discreet ("rueful combination"/wrinkled sceptic)... and a sharp sense of place and time ..
for me the disconnect is the word fraudulent... unless these are his legacy to her (in which case that could be clearer).... she doesn't present as someone who could lodge a fraudulent claim never mind many...
k
Revision posted.
Thanks for all the input on this, especially all the nudges to address the last line. I've taken on John's suggestions wholesale and tried a different tack in the last stanza. Comments?
B.