Woman, shelved by Brian Edwards
Brian Edwards October 25, 2009 at 9:10PM Woman, shelved
The way she fluffed the pillows
was as if she had forgotten
which side of the bed to sleep on
and even when we asked her to stop
sending gifts, her hands
would find a chore in every cushion.
Chintz spread across the arms
and back, a yellow disease,
wildfire of the suburbs.
Empty washing lines meant nothing
till it rained and then his wallet
was a church door. If she dared
to peek its creak would find
an image of her she'd thought
lost, shining there like stained glass.
~
Brian Edwards
Woman, shelved
The way she fluffed the pillows
was as if she had forgotten
which side of the bed to sleep on.
Even when we asked her to stop
sending gifts, her hands
would find a chore in every cushion.
Chintz spread across the arms
and back, a yellow disease,
wildfire of the suburbs.
Empty washing lines meant nothing
till it rained and then his wallet
was a church door. If she dared
to peek its creak would find
an image of her she'd thought
lost, shining there like stained glass.
~
Brian Edwards
Woman, shelved
The way she fluffed the pillows
was as if she had forgotten
which side of the bed to sleep on.
Even when we asked her to stop
sending gifts, her hands
would find a chore in every cushion.
Chintz spread across the arms
and back, a yellow disease,
wildfire of the suburbs.
Empty washing lines meant nothing
till it rained and then his wallet
was a church door.
She dared to peek and found
an image of herself she'd thought
lost, shining there like stained glass.
~
Brian Edwards
Woman, shelved
The way she fluffed the pillows
was as if she was looking
for her side of the bed.
Even when we asked her to stop
sending gifts, her hands
would find a chore in every cushion.
Chintz yellowed the arms
and back, in fact
the whole room was jaundiced.
Empty washing lines meant
nothing till it rained and then
his wallet was a church door.
She dared to peek and glimpsed
an image of herself she'd thought
lost, shimmering there like stained glass.
~
Reader Comments (19)
Very interesting. I wonder if the pace could be slower in S1 somehow. I'll be back.
Full stop at end of L3 and a line break? Had it that way b4 but wasn't sure. . . .
yes Brian to that suggestion of of how you had it before
otherwise a nice painterly tapestry for me
Thanks Chasan.
Trying tercets on for size . . .
B.
~
Like the tercets form - adds to the clarity of which there is plenty. this line is great:
...her hands
would find a chore in every cushion.
little caught on the last S - 'peek into its creek...' ? 'to peak, it's creak...' ?
Yes Mike I am wondering about those lines too. I think it's trying too hard to be significant where it isn't warranted.
Thanks for the nudge.
B.
~
Much, much better; but Mike has a point.
she dared to look and saw
She dared to peek and glimpsed
This is really growing on me.
I like what "peek" conveys. I find that "found" is weak.
Because I have some resistance to ending a "sentence" with "on", I did have a wonder toward:
The way she fluffed the pillows
was as if she had forgotten
which side of the bed was her own.
Great revision history, btw. Super to see it evolve, and be able to make sense of the comments!
Losing the plot a little here. Will let it sit for a few days. Really appreciate all the interest.
B.
~
The form does contribute and makes the images clear. I think some one already noted that. I trip a little with the images being disconnected and relying on themselves to deliver. What happens when we forget on which side of the bed we sleep?
larry
I think it's hilarious, this good old mom, keeping house, 'when it rains it pours', oh there's some money, money is god, blah blah, all those things come to mind, whether you meant it or not-
Great piece. I wonder though if you could lose the first stanza, which I found the least striking.The central idea seems to me to be captured more or less anyway in the phrase "her hands/would find a chore in every cushion.".
Also, is chintz/suburbia too obvious a connection? It did work for me though I still wonder if chintz is a bit of a soft target.
Larry, John, Erika --- many thanks.
Will leave this for a bit, cheers.
B.
~
"was as if she was looking"
informal subjunctive aside, any way around the two proximate instances of was?
like the jaundice
like the shimmering, it has more optical movement than shining
In S1, I was quite partial to the implications of forgetting. I get a different sense out of looking, which I'll ponder further.
I like the piece a lot.
Shari
"forgetting" imbues a temporal quality
Yes, I think you may be right about S1 Shari. Thanks for coming back to this.