Saturday
Nov202010
'Memories, memories' ~ by David Alcock
November 20, 2010 at 3:24AM
Stardust all tossed across the frosty night
at Chapman's Cross, as I pull in, tears suddenly
blinding, ignition slain with fingers bloodied
still from the birth just heartbeats since, the quiet
entirely gulps - cathedral of moon-ice -
the other boy asleep, car-swaddled, wrapped,
warm-lit, mouth open in a jealous snore,
tied in his law-forced, lonely throne now tumbled.
An owl honks wearily, a coney rips
the heaven's frozen gleam asunder,
caught by the throat by weasel or starved fox,
as Louis croons across this Cotswold night:
witching-time. So I cry for you confined
in flagrant disinfection, and my eyes brim.
at Chapman's Cross, as I pull in, tears suddenly
blinding, ignition slain with fingers bloodied
still from the birth just heartbeats since, the quiet
entirely gulps - cathedral of moon-ice -
the other boy asleep, car-swaddled, wrapped,
warm-lit, mouth open in a jealous snore,
tied in his law-forced, lonely throne now tumbled.
An owl honks wearily, a coney rips
the heaven's frozen gleam asunder,
caught by the throat by weasel or starved fox,
as Louis croons across this Cotswold night:
witching-time. So I cry for you confined
in flagrant disinfection, and my eyes brim.
tagged edselection
edselection
Reader Comments (7)
Cheating maybe to link to the song... listen after. :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r94-7nJt-WM
I think this is an interesting take on a new birth and I like what you're trying to do. I've read this one before and find I'm drawn back to it. At the moment it feels as if it's trying a bit too hard - I'm not sure what you mean by 'the quiet
entirely gulps' and I feel that
'rips
the heaven's frozen gleam asunder, ' is probably a poetic too far. I also find a bit odd that the narrator hasn't even found time to wash the blood from his hands - and I was expecting more joyful crying at the end! But I think this is well worth some tweaks. I haven't read the song, so can't comment on that!
Ros
Thanks Rosemary. Agree on the lines you highlighted. Blood on hands... hmm... poetic licence maybe, but after those experiences I wouldn't put it past myself to have forgotten. Also a double-meaning in time in this one, I fear...
Thanks again. I know it needs a rewrite. Atb D
It's overly poetic and soppy, but goodness me it grabs me. I rolled with every line of this David and the song was a treat too --- almost brought a tear it did, remembering my own experiences of the same.
Maybe italicize Stardust?
Thank you for this David. I'll try to come back with more sensible comments when I'm feeling less emotional!
B.
My reaction's much the same as Brian's. This one got me in the guts. At the moment I don't want you to change a single word. In fact, I absolutely forbid it. For now.
Ahh, still enjoying this David.
Here's another on a similar theme.
Chorus
B.
Thanks for the link Brian. Browsed about and found this which I quite like: http://www.wolfmagazine.co.uk/20-lilith.php