Sequence: Rock by Bob Elliott
September 4, 2011 at 1:15AM
Sequence: Rock
==============
(i)
The penetrability of flowers
by bee's proboscis or by microscope
reveals less impulse than a stone discloses
shattered by flame or chisel.
Rock
is also chaos.
Rooks on ploughland, hens in stubble,
betray a sense of unease at their situation,
and from distorted earth and broken trees
our houses rise, faintly disturbed.
Beneath them, rock thrusts up.
(ii)
In the neglected garden
a fountain dribbles dust across
the tarnished daffodils.
Vibrating air
anticipates the night-cold. Colours shift,
and the carved figure at the farther end
jabs at the glittering sky.
Worn head and fractured gesture, features debauched
by rain (such innocent, pale wine)
God once, or saint or nobleman, preserved
erect by the passion of rock - who mastered whom,
sculptor or stone ?
Manifold time,
carver with ice and air,
cutting the mountains into teeth that bite
as dust against our bones;
engraving worn-out desert monoliths
to no known plan, we dare not bow
to these strange images of yours.
(iii)
Rock stinks of fear.
Cracked, crushed, refined,
terror is smelted, horror out of rock
gathered in evil particles.
Earth, fecund once,
dries and peels back.
Still rock
reverberates, still bears
palpable symbols of what was
and may be yet to come.
Reader Comments (5)
Much to enjoy here, Bob; it's a sort of reverie of geology. The poem makes me confront the idea of time scales, and of what it means for something to take a 'long time' or not. Two moments for me had a considerably powerful punch as well: 'rock/is also chaos' and 'vibrating air/anticipates the night-cold', both of which do all sorts of things for me.
There's a few sags, but not much:
'betray a sense of unease at their situation,' -- a little pedestrian, esp. compared to what precedes.
I think this could be whittled down a little:
Worn head and fractured gesture, features debauched
by rain (such innocent, pale wine)
God once, or saint or nobleman, preserved
erect by the passion of rock - who mastered whom,
sculptor or stone ?
--not sure about the relevance of the aside, tonally or topically
Really fresh idea for a poem, and a good read, Bob.
Thanks,
James
Bob, here are some thoughts on this off the top of my head.
First I liked it very much: it's hardness, and especially the sound of it.
The textbook style language of the opening stanza, written as though outlining the findings of a piece of scientific research, is nicely done. It is such a clinical sounding authoritative statement of 'fact' but one that produces a wonderfully poetic (not in the bad sense of the word) image - I love the incongruity of the flower and the bee and the rock and flame and chisel. Anyway, I thought this a fabulous opening stanza.
The only bit I didn't like so much is
"Rock stinks of fear.
Cracked, crushed, refined,
terror is smelted, horror out of rock
gathered in evil particles."
I'm not sure I can quite explain why - perhaps the tone of the language changes - the register is more 'emotional' e.g. 'fear', 'evil'.
The title works very well I think. It makes me consider what came before, and what might come next. And yet at the same time the title's punctuation sets up an expectation (i.e. for a list, though that may just be me an my sometimes a bit 'off' understanding of grammar) that it immediately subverts. This seems to negate a sequence, a before and an after. The title is so tight, so definitive, so 'hard'. And ambiguous. I like it.
"penetrability" - now there's a tough word to use well in a poem! And in the first line too, mmm, you're asking a lot of yourself there Bob. Too much perhaps? I know it's a very important, very specific idea you want to convey, but mightn't you find a more musical way of expressing it? Considering how beautifully things pick up directly after that (the next 6 lines are stunning) I think it might be worthwhile seeking a smoother entry into the poem.
Ditto James regards the "betray a sense . . ." line. Could be nixed entirely couldn't it?
Rooks on ploughland, hens in stubble,
and from distorted earth and broken trees
our houses rise, faintly disturbed.
Works for me.
I also second James thoughts on losing the aside in #2 S2, though I think I get why it's there. I like the whole of part 2 very much actually. Shades of "Ozymandias" which I'm sure you're aware of.
Similar to Michaela, I had some trouble with the last part. "fear" "horror" "terror" "evil" -- all leaves me a bit cold to be honest. Such strong imagery in the first two parts, I wonder if something more visual isn't more apt?
Solid work though Bob (pun intended of course ;-) )
B.
Many thanks. I'm a little surprised at positive (in general ) reception. People who have seen it previously ranged their comments from "portentous" to "pretentious" (and all stations to "bloody rubbish"). Shows how discerning A-Lit members are.
Still much for me to think about. I'll get back to individual points as soon as I can.
BOB
So here we go - I'll keep responses as brief as I can:
"penetrability" - tough word, yes; but makes a good opening contrast with (relative) delicacy of flowers.
Two lines slagged as "pedestrian" -
These are partly as relief from surrounding somewhat heavy rhythms. ( Some of my best friend are pedestrians - what, after all is wrong with
That's my last duchess painted on the wall
or
It little profits that an idle king
which are quite pedestrian lines, really. )
"sense of unease at their situation" positioned where it is, gives the lines at that point, I feel, the sense of unease that I wanted to convey. This sounds like special pleading. Maybe it is.
"such innocent pale wine" - Well, wine has a specific relationship with each of gods, saints and noblemen. Rain is pale as some wines are; and in the same way that too much wine can debauch the human countenance, so too much (acid ?) rain can debauch the features of a stone statue. The phrase was intended as a sardonic/ironic aside, and I think it works well in its place.
Congratulations, Michaela, on your perspicacity regarding the title. I chose "Sequence" because I was damned if I could think of anything else. Until you pointed it out I didn't twig how apt it was. Thanks.
Various hints and comments about sounds and musicality. - I don't try to be musical. Generally speaking (and I do mean speaking) I try to concentrate on rhythm, rather than meter, and tone of utterance i.e. "voice". If music happens, that's a bonus for me and the reader.
As for the final section, I have trouble with that as well; but considering that uranium is extracted from rock, and various explosive materials used to kill folk, plus poisons galore, not to mention the deaths in gold mines, diamond mines, ruby mines, copper mines and coal mines, I felt I was being rather restrained really. Actually, I appreciate that the present rendering comes over as sentimental (tell me what's wrong with sentimental) but I think the topic demands a separate writing. I'm going to have to struggle a lot to get this bit right, and thank you all for pointing out its inadequacies.
Thanks once again, and apologies if I'm being a bore.
BOB