Brass Head at 80 by Bob Elliott
August 6, 2010 at 11:17PM Brass Head at 80
Time was
When I could swing a scythe: not well,
but well enough; carve wood; find
my way around the gearbox of a lathe
and turn to half a thou': could fondle breasts
and other things, though not
as often as I thought I wanted to.
And I could write
software in five computer languages; wash, iron,
and cook a Sunday lunch for eight,
Time was, I thought I could write verse.
Time is
far more elastic than we think. Perhaps
I've got another twenty years; enough
to write an epic, commit bigamy,
invest a bit and make a million. Though
maybe there's only twenty minutes left;
barely enough for one more verse. So this
had better be the one,then.
Time will be
always concealed within us, where
no clockmaker can see;
tight as an acorn,
rooted as a tree.
Thrucrit
Reader Comments (16)
Excellent meditation of time. What if S1 ended with "eight." the trail seems a bit editorial. Especially like S3's musing of future tense.
larry
Thanks Larry. I should probably drop the penultimate line of S1
write the epic! fornicate with youth! put that brass knob to good use--it won't tarnish while ur still alive i hear
That's how I spend my days, li'l buddy.
This is great Bob. I agree with Larry on that line.
Have you requested a portfolio yet?
B.
I quite like how the "was" S is the longest, then the "is" S is mediumest, and the "will be" S is shortest.
Maybe just remove the "time was" from the last line of S1.
I do like the sentiment of thinking you/N could write verse in the past, which connects to the present looking forward and there being time for one more verse.
It's the "so this had better be the one" line that catches me up.
Also like that N could write software, but only thought he could write verse. That is an economy of character development.
I enjoy the rhyme and cadence of the last S
suggest:
And I could write
software in five computer languages; wash, iron,
cook a Sunday lunch for eight.
Thought I could write verse.
However you do it, I do hope you keep some reference in the "was" S to N thinking he could write verse. I think it critical to the character.
I wonder if in the "is" S, you were to include one more reference from the "was" S , as to what N could now accomplish if there were only 20 minutes left. Something that shows current capacity and continues to develop the character. Like N used to be able to cook Sunday lunch for eight, now if there were 20 minutes left, he could...?
barely enough for one more verse
or tea for two [ not suggesting this exactly, just trying to illustrate what I mean]
Thanks everyone.
Penultimate line of original S1 has been deleted.
Proper response to other comments will take some thought: reply later.
Meanwhile , thanks again.
Bob
Shari -
Thanks for useful comments, which again made me think about what I was up to.
And (also again !) some reservations and disagreements.
Maybe just remove the "time was" from the last line of S1.
I think that to do this would spoil the rhythm of the stanza, and thus make the stanza too much "of the page" rather than of the "inner ear" as I intended
It's the "so this had better be the one" line that catches me up
I'm not sure whether this is a compliment or a dismissal. I'm hoping .....
And I could write
software in five computer languages; wash, iron,
cook a Sunday lunch for eight.
Thought I could write verse.
&
I wonder if in the "is" S, you were to include one more reference from the "was" S , as to what N could now accomplish if there were only 20 minutes left. Something that shows current capacity and continues to develop the character. Like N used to be able to cook Sunday lunch for eight, now if there were 20 minutes left, he could...?
barely enough for one more verse
or tea for two [ not suggesting this exactly, just trying to illustrate what I mean]
I see what you are getting at. Reservation, though, about the effect on the overall rhythmic structure of the piece. I think rhythm (not meter necessarily) is important in getting the right "tone of voice" - though I don't think it should over-ride "meaning" (whatever that is !)
Shari -
Thanks for useful comments, which again made me think about what I was up to.
And (also again !) some reservations and disagreements.
Maybe just remove the "time was" from the last line of S1.
I think that to do this would spoil the rhythm of the stanza, and thus make the stanza too much "of the page" rather than of the "inner ear" as I intended
It's the "so this had better be the one" line that catches me up
I'm not sure whether this is a compliment or a dismissal. I'm hoping .....
And I could write
software in five computer languages; wash, iron,
cook a Sunday lunch for eight.
Thought I could write verse.
&
I wonder if in the "is" S, you were to include one more reference from the "was" S , as to what N could now accomplish if there were only 20 minutes left. Something that shows current capacity and continues to develop the character. Like N used to be able to cook Sunday lunch for eight, now if there were 20 minutes left, he could...?
barely enough for one more verse
or tea for two [ not suggesting this exactly, just trying to illustrate what I mean]
I see what you are getting at. Reservation, though, about the effect on the overall rhythmic structure of the piece. I think rhythm (not meter necessarily) is important in getting the right "tone of voice" - though I don't think it should over-ride "meaning" (whatever that is !)