Remembering him - by Bob Elliott

Remembering him

Even to touch
these delicate filaments without pain is possibly
not possible. Scalpel and spade
cry out their innocence.  I watch
treebark crease with waterdrops.

Unwritten letters burn. Correspondence lies
along the diagonals from love to apathy,
diminishes between graced notes
towards an interruption of language.

Memory scrapes
through a hardened rind, grazes
permitted tenderness;
presence that was. I have
no images to declare.

Except, perhaps
an evening gesture,
some voice, a clear tone, barely missing
the true concern, but not care.
Residues only; yet they nourish.




Comments

[jamesthomashoward]

This is by far my favourite of your three posted poems, bob. A lot to enjoy here e.g. the first stanza, and the superb line:

I have
no images to declare.

A few weak spots for me: that 'insufficient'; the metaphorical confusion of 'graced notes'; and 'residues only; yet they nourish', which I think you could axe.

There is something very interesting about this poem, which proposes a grief not based on a catalogue of memories.

thanks,

james

[Kevin Jackson]

bob, i agree with james, alot to enjoy here, or rather to feel here, for this is a potent utterance.

will return on the points james raises. first impressions tend to agree: that "Insufficient" is being asked to carry a huge burden (which "Thank you" achieves)

good to hear your distinctive voice, k

[larry jordan]

What if you ended:

....barely missing
the concern.

Thank you.

Not real sure you need "Insufficient" or 'thank you"???

Lovely work.

larry

[Brian Edwards]

Hi Bob. I agree that dropping "insufficient" and "thank you" would benefit the poem. For me those lines tip the poem into sentimentalism.
Should be a lower case t on These, line 2?

Welcome!

B.

~

[Bob Elliott]

I've applied the edits suggested. On the whole, I think they are an improvement. Thanks to all

[larry jordan]

Really like what you've done. The tightness of the language is so right with the tension. One thought that now glowers for me is in S2. The use of graced as the adjective for notes. It seems for me that the notes are criucial to the image and need to be even more "concrete" Could the adjective be 'drawered' or some such to place it rather than abstract it?

nice work.

[Brian Edwards]

Ditto Larry. This is really finely wrought, good work.
Really great to see you on board Bob.

B.

[Shari-Lyn McArthur]

This Portfolio version hits me real goodly. As in other work of yers posted here, yer use of line breaks shall be studied by me for my own development in same.

[Shari-Lyn McArthur]

A brilliant poignancy which nourishes.

[Shari-Lyn McArthur]

I keep extracting more out of the read. Right on from this reader.

[Shari-Lyn McArthur]

Bob, strangely but not, in the few days since this was published on the home page, I have had two separate occasions to offer it as nourishment to the still living. Thank you.